11/3/12
Dear God,
It’s the Lenten season. As good and obedient Christians, we’re all needed to sacrifice something, anything, to honor Your Son’s sacrifices for us. I’m not too faithful, as I was considering to abstain only. But I guess You had another plan for me.
I have sacrificed so much, and every single day I feel nothing but death waiting for me. I had put too many friendships at stake, pushed too many to the brink of breakdown, and I had already destroyed the one friendship that had defined me and my whole being. Words and emotions replay over and over again in my head, relapsing my tumultuous guilt, grief, and pain. Guilt for my past mistakes, the branded faults that seared through countless hearts; grief over the loss of the youthful innocence which bound so many of my friendships, doubled with my loss of my pseudo-child’s love for me, and pain for the burdens that will forever remain burned into my mind.
Every night, I feel angrier and unhappier with what You are planning to do to me. Why does my sacrifice have to place my relationship with other people at stake? Couldn’t it be something else, like abstaining from meat or the Internet for all I care? It didn’t have to be this way. I didn’t have to endure watching all my friendships crumble into oblivion. I didn’t have to endure having my heart broken repeatedly by my own pseudo-child. I didn’t have to endure dying every single day. But whatever happens, happens. Nothing will ever change, and resilience is the only thing I can rely on to keep me alive.
With all these sacrifices I have made, I just hope You have something good in store for me.
Love, Nina
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