So much for isolation.

22/3/12

It’s been almost a week since i’ve last been online. I vowed not to come into contact with people in hopes of at least rehabilitating myself.

I wanted to distance myself from others since a contributing factor to my enormous problem is peer influence. Certain friends have been influencing me through their actions and thoughts, and apparently they have been very effective in changing me.

I’ve been more outgoing and talkative, and honestly, I feel more free than I have ever been before. My new friends actually make me experience euphoria and freedom, all the while enclosing me in a sense of security.

Though I find such solace in these emotions and experiences, sometimes I feel a sort of exhilarating but confusing rush that comes with my new escapades. All these changes compel me sometimes to just pause for a moment and be quiet for once. In my newfound noise I forget the comforting silence I used to bask in.

Without my consideration for my critic’s preference, I would have chosen to keep my attitude like this. I was never really outspoken or confident with myself, and my new friends made me experience what it was like to be possess those qualities.

But of course, it’s never really about me. It’s always about my critic. I always take into consideration her preferences, likes, dislikes, and things like that. I always have to be the one to adapt to her tastes and wants. I often wonder if she will do the same. But under our circumstances right now, I don’t believe she’ll even bother to do the same.

Love is a very strong factor, and that is the very reason why I am futilely isolating myself from others in order to cleanse myself and change back to my former self. If I was only relentless and begrudging, I would have never done this for my critic’s sake, and for the sake of the utterly broken relationship we’ve tried to repair for so long. I am only so defeated and in surrender in this raging external and internal struggle. I grow so impatient each and every day for chasing nothing but ruined dreams and fragile memories.

And yet I continue to push on.